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TITLE: The Offensive Date
TIME STORY TOOK PLACE: Mardi Gras in January of 2002
LOCATION: Boston MA, Exeter NH
CAST OF CHARACTERS: Todd, Shauna, Myself
ALCOHOL CONSUMED: None (I was still recovering from my bout with Mono-Hepatitis and was prohibited
from drinking)
DRUNK-O-METER: Sober like my health depended on it (because it did)
WHAT WENT DOWN: The beginning of my Sophmore year of college went something like this. I had gotten
kicked out of on-campus housing my Freshamn year (Another story for another time) and ended up getting a quaint little studio
apartment at Park Court on the edge of campus. In order to keep my apartment I had to get a job and sacrifice my life of care
free college irresponsibility (Which is kind of what got me into this situation in the first place). Anyway, I had trouble
finding a job at first and with the semester about to start I settled on a job with Pizza Hut (My second tour of duty with
the establishment). After about a month or so I quit and left for what I thought were greener pastures. I had acquired a somewhat
late night cleaning job with a small outfit in Dover called BRK Cleaners. It was at this job that I met Todd. He was a year
older than me, a little on the short side, white, and finally sketchy. Allow me to relate to you my third day of work when
I met Todd. My boss told me that Todd had hurt his knee playing football over the weekend and that was why he was not present
at work my first two days. Now that he was back it would be he and I driving around Dover and the surrounding towns in the
cleaning van at night. Later that day in the cleaning van Todd and I got to know each other better.
ME: So how'd you hurt your knee again?
TODD: Well, I told the boss that I did it playing football. But I was really running from the campus
police up at UNE.
ME: Oh, why were you running from the police?
TODD: I was drunk and tearing shit up. Plus I'm on parole and can't get into that kind of legal trouble.
ME:.........
Things didn't get much better. My life at UNH was not nearly as stellar as Freshamn year now that
I had to work a lot to pay the bills and did not get to see my friends all that much. On top of that I had just been
dumped and was now left with the emotional rubble of what had been my first serious relationship. Todd and I began to hang
out when we weren't working. This basically meant getting drunk (Todd introduced me to the world of '40 ounces) and not much
else. It was during one of these times that he and I won tickets to go to the FNX Mardi Gras party. Now, I was automatically
the designated driver because I was still suffering slightly from the Mono-hepatitis I had caught some time around New Year's
Eve (Another time. Another story) and was not allowed alcoholic beverages of any kind. So when we got the 4-pack of tickets
I was shooting for some company to talk to while Todd got obliterated. Did I forget to mention he was something of an alcoholic?
Anyway, it was the day of the event and we still had the two extra tickets. I was walking around campus when who should I
run into but the girl I had a crush on ever since the night I got high for the first time in the courtyard of Devine. That's
right, Shauna. Seeing my opportunity to get us set up on our first date I went all rico suave and invited her and the friend
she was with to come along with Todd and I. They both said yes and a few hours later we were on our way.
Now when we finally got to the club in Boston where the party was Todd was chomping at the bit to
drink (or should I say, continue drinking) for several reasons. First, Shauna's friend realized she could not make it leaving
it just the three of us. Second, as is the rule when I go to Boston and am behind the wheel of a vehicle, we got lost. Finally,
the radio advertisement had said that there would be a wet t-shirt contest and Todd was ready to see him some nipple. This
was fine with me as it meant that I would have more time to talk with Shauna on our sort of kind of date. There were only
a few major problems with this plan. The loud volume of the music prevented us from having any real in-depth conversation,
when the music stopped the DJ's prattle was even louder, and the only thing to look at was a large stage in the front of the
club where girl after girl was getting wet and taking off clothes.
I gave Shauna extra points for not slapping me and finding another way back to campus. Thankfully
she understood that I thought it would be more of a party and not the Playboy Mansion that it turned out to be. Todd on the
other hand was enjoying it for all he was worth. His only problem was that Shauna and I weren't drinking. Since he was 75%
in the bag already this did not sit well with him. So he left for the bar and came back with two drinks for us. I thanked
him for the favor and was about to suck down the drink when I noticed that sweet scent of rum. I reminded Todd that I couldn't
drink alcohol. This started something of a Lincoln/Douglas debate where he and I argued back and forth over why I should or
shouldn't drink it.
ME: I can't drink alcohol I'm sick.
TODD: One won't hurt you.
ME: I have Mono-Hepatitis. One could very well kill me.
TODD: Well, I just spent seven bucks to buy you that.
Shauna said that she would take the extra drink as well which was fine by Todd whose sleaze factor
had gone through the roof. He began to whisper things to Shauna that I couldn't hear. I assumed whatever it was that it couldn't
be good. After he ran off to the bar for the umpteenth time I found out I was right as Shauna told me that he had been trying
to convince her to have sex with him. Just when this stellar date couldn't get ANY better I saw one of my favorite FNX radio
personalities (Bruce Harding) near the stage. Normally this wouldn't be cause for alarm except for the fact that at the exact
moment I ran towards him cheering a girl on stage got completely naked. Naturally in Shauna's eyes it seemed as if I was running
towards (and cheering for) the naked girl.
Finally, the party was ending and the last trains out of Boston would be leaving shortly. A very
drunk Todd almost made us miss the train as he proclaimed he wanted to stay at the club. When we finally reminded him that
I was his ride back to NH he came along and proceeded to slip on the sidewalk and fall on his face. By the time we got back
to Exeter and dropped Todd off at his trailer park it was very late. Shauna was nice enough to laugh off all of the negative
factors of the evening. I however, took this to mean I should end the night like any other date and attempt to kiss her. I
was met with a prompt, "What are you doing?" She then explained that she did not by any means know me well enough to feel
comfortable doing that. Having dropped her off at her dorm I drove back to my apartment having learned that bringing a girl
on a date to an event with the words, "Mardi Gras" in it is never a good idea. Especially when you bring along your alcoholic
ex-convict of a coworker.
TITLE: Destination Boston (Part 1)
TIME STORY TOOK PLACE: October 2003
LOCATION: Salem NH, Billerica MA, Boston MA
CAST OF CHARACTERS: Tom, Justin, Shauna, and myself
ALCOHOL CONSUMED: 3 Heinekens and possibly a rum and coke
DRUNK-O-METER: Buzzed and giddy
WHAT WENT DOWN: Tom and I had made plans to go and meet our friend Justin for dinner. Having the
only access to a car between the two of us I drove (in my first car ever. '95 Dodge Stratus that was decked out to the 9's
in tacky accessories. Two words. Leopard print.) to Hampstead. It was here that we encountered our first problem of the evening
as I forgot how to get to Justin's house. I was close enough that I managed to go right by the road I needed to turn down.
Normally this wouldn't be a big deal. Most people would just stop and go the other way. But, I'm not most people. I'm Phil.
So instead of turning around I decide that the appropriate thing to do is to increase my speed and continue heading the wrong
way. Just as Tom was begining to question my actions we topped a hill where I then ran a stop sign located right in front
of a police station. Tom screamed and grabbed the, "Oh-Shit!" handle and I decided it was now an appropriate time to turn
around and go back.
Upon meeting Justin he had us follow him to a Chinese food restaurant in Salem. Dinner went by okay
without incident (except for Tom thanking whatever higher power he believes in for being out of my car). After dinner we were
trying to plan what to do when Justin got a call from his Mom and had to go home. This left Tom and I with nothing to do.
Tom made the novel suggestion that we should go into Boston. On the way I could meet his parents at work in Billerica. With
a plan in hand we made a stop at a gas station where I discovered that I no longer had my ATM card. Apparently I had left
it in the ATM of the bank in the plaza next to Dominoe's in Durham. Tom footed the gas bill and we were off.
Now, I'll admit that I was a little nervous to see Tom's parents at work. I had never met them before
and of course there was the whole thing about them working at a strip club. That's right, a strip club (Mac 2's I think).
Thankfully his folks were real nice people. His Mom is this crazy creative person and decorates the club based upon the holiday.
For some reason it's all the more difficult to pay attention to Halloween decorations when there's nude women dancing on a
stage. For my first time being in a strip club AND my first time metting a friend's parents in a strip club, I think I did
okay (hopefully Tom agrees). After 20 or so minutes sitting behind the bar and determining that all strippers have the same
handful of mandatory moves they must perform each time on stage, we left for Boston.
I was even more excited for Boston than the strip club because a friend of Tom's named Shauna was
in Boston for the evening visiting a friend. I had a little crush on Shauna and Tom was doing his best to get the two
of us together. My hair was done up nice, I smelled like a young casanova, and my breath was clean. Nothing was stopping
me from charming the pants off of this young college lady. Oh, except for the fact that Tom and I had no clue how
to get around Boston. Our plan was to meet the two ladies at the gas station right next to Fenway Park. It seemed easy
enough at the time. However, after 2.6 minutes after officially entering town our strategy turned into making nothing
but left turns. 40 minutes after we were suppossed to meet them we were crossing a bridge leading away from Boston when Tom
saw a bright orange messiah in the distance and triumphantly screamed, "The Citgo sign!" Ah yes, the Citgo sign next
to Fenway Park. Having seen that we suddenly knew we were going to be okay.
So another 20 minutes later we told the girls via cell phone where we were and had them meet
us there as we never did find that gas station. We followed them back to some college called Pine Hills or something
to that nature. All I know is that Shauna's friend called it Pine Mattress and that is forever how I will refer to it. My
luck started to change as upon entering the grounds of the college I found a 20 dollar bill lying on the ground. This and my
being the only 21 year old in the group allowed me to purchase drinks at Gillian's. As the four of us sat there playing pool
I kept attempting to muster the courage to make a move on Shauna. Finally Tom got tired of seeing me act like a 7th grader
and nudged/shoved me into her. Maybe it was my charisma or maybe it was the alcohol making me THINK I had charisma,
but things clicked and Shauna and I made out for the rest of the night. Of course, being as buzzed as I was meant that Tom
had to drive my car back to Pine Mattress college and then to Durham. As we headed back to UNH I was on cloud
9. I was buzzed, had finally made out with the girl I liked, and I had seen lots of naked boobs for free. I put a check
in the "success" column and let my head smacking against the passenger side window rock me to sleep. Of course, things
with Shauna wouldn't go exactly as I had planned, but that's a story for another time and another place (or Keene State College
to be more precise).
TITLE: Destination Boston (Part 2)
TIME STORY TAKE PLACE: Spring Break of my Junior Year (around March of 2003 I think)
LOCATION: Boston, MA
CAST OF CHARACTERS: Sarin Va, Myself, old Asian waiter, Police, and sketchy bastards
ALCOHOL CONSUMED: Me = 1 Heineken, 2 rum and cokes, 3 pots of, "Cold Tea" (A.K.A.
Beer)
Va = 3 pots of, "Cold Tea" (A.K.A. Beer)
DRUNK-O-METER: Fairly buzzed
WHAT WENT DOWN: It was Spring Break of my Junior year at UNH and for the second
year in a row I was in my good old Durham apartment doing absolutely nothing. Afterall, everyone else on campus was either
home or someplace hot and sunny where the girls were likely to shed clothing and the guys were even more likely to watch.
It just so happened though that my good buddy Sarin Va was gonna be up for a few days to work some hours at his on campus
job. He had a night or two free during his stay so we decided to get out of town and find some adventure. This meant leaving
UNH for Keene State College to see our friends: Tina, LJ, and Angela and hope they had something more cool going on. Turns
out they didn't (Sorry girls the truth comes out). As we phoned them to say we were on our way we were told that they were
just sitting around watching movies. This deflated our party balloon as this was what we would have been doing at UNH anyway.
We continued on though until I happened to get a call from Mandy (my girlfriend at the time). As we talked the idea struck
me that maybe we should go visit her in Lexington instead. She had to work though so it was out of the question. She mentioned
that we could probably find some fun in Boston though. This idea struck Sarin and I as a good one. However, we were still
pretty committed to going to Keene since we had told the girls we were on our way. Mandy mentioned an urban myth that her
sister had been told by a cab driver that if you went to a Chinese food restraunt in Chinatown after 2am they would serve
you beer if you asked for, "Cold Tea." This was the selling point that convinced Sarin and I to take the left hand turn instead
of the right and begin our journey to Boston. I had decided that we should begin the night at Gillian's since I had found
it to be an exceptionally good time the first time I was there (See, "Destination Boston Part 1"). The only problem was we
got lost upon arriving in Boston (once again). Somehow we ended up in the Financial District (a little off the mark from the
Fenway Park area) and parked in the underground garage of some swanky building. After leaving Sarin's car I recieved a quick
call from LJ that went something like this:
LJ: Where are you guys. It's already 11 (pm)?
Me: Uhhh, we got lost and ended up in Boston.
LJ: WHAT?! (laughter) Do you need directions out?
Me: Uh,no. We decided since it's already so late that we would stay here for the night.
LJ: Oh. Okay I guess.
Me: Sorry.
After officially cancelling Keene our next problem was how to get to Gillian's (which as you know
from the previous B-Town story is behind Fenway off of Landsdown St.) from where we were. Now, for those who don't know Spring
Break in New England can be very VERY cold. On this particular night it was both cold AND windy. Somehow we ended up at the
Prudential Center (see photos of this on Sarin's website somewhere). After taking a few random pictures we decided that it
was best to take a T to our destination. By the time we found a T, got directions, got a little more lost, and FINALLY made
it to Gillian's it was Midnight. We killed an hour plus by playing pool upstairs along with some video games and I warmed
up by having a few drinks (Va could not participate as he was only a wee little laddy of 20). The drinks hit me more than
expected and I learned the dangers of playing shooting games drunk (I accidentally shot an innocent bystander instead of a
zombie). When we finally left Gillian's it was 2AM. We hailed a cab and asked him to take us to a Chinese food restaraunt
in Chinatown. He took us to his favorite one and we decided to see whether or not this urban myth about, "Cold Tea" was true
or not. After ordering our meals I went to the restroom. Upon coming back to the table I noticed that there was a silver pot
of tea and two ceramic cups. My heart began to sink. Then Sarin poured me a cup of beer. Yes my friends, it's true. We ordered
Cold Tea and were given beer. No I.D. check, no tipping the waiter extra cash, just two magic words and we had beer. Pretty
soon Sarin and I were both pretty giddy from all of the "tea." Sarin was concerned that our beef and brocolli was really not
beef because it was too tender (It could have been cat for all I cared. It tasted great!). We had just settled the beer and
decided we wanted a picture with our waiter when the cops showed up. Now, at this hour of the morning there are only three
types of people still awake. Drunk fucks (like me and Va), late shift workers, and sketchy bastards. Apparently the table
full of sketchy bastards behind us was in trouble. One of them had assaulted some poor young girl and was now getting arrested.
Unfortunately the staff of the restaraunt freaked out and our very cool waiter denied us a picture (politely). As Sarin and
I slipped past the 13 or so cops (Yes, 13) we began our drunken search for where we left the car. Eventually we found it (after
getting lost some more on foot and freezing), but at this point we had to pee really bad. I started walking over to a construction
site across the street to go take a leak when a security guard popped out from around the corner. Without missing a beat we
gave him this great line:
Security Guard: Can I help you?
Me: Do you know where Tremont St. is? That's where we left our car right Sarin?
Sarin: Yeah, I think so.
Security Guard: (confused) Oh, it's like down that way a little.
Me: Thanks.
Being denied the joys of urinating in a construction site we settled for a dark corner of the underground
parking garage. By the time we left it was about 5:45am and we only had to pay $7 instead of $20 (don't ask me why I have
no idea). As we drove home with the sun shinning in our faces Sarin turned to me and said, "I'm not so sure I should be driving."
A perfect end to another excellent adventure in Boston.
TITLE: Sometimes it's better to pay for the hotel room
TIME STORY TAKES PLACE: 08/19-08/20 9pm-3am
LOCATION: Foxboro, MA
CAST OF CHARACTERS: Tina, Myself, MA State Police, Foxboro Police, the NY kids, and the French speaking
Canadian girls
ALCOHOL CONSUMED: At the time none
DRUNK-O-METER: Didn't even register
WHAT WENT DOWN: Tina and myself had just finished with our first day of punk rocking at the Vans Warped
Tour '04. It was the last day of the normal tour but we were still pumped because the next day was the special "10th Anniversary
Show" which we also had tickets for. The only problem was that Tina and I had never been a 100% sure that her and I were going
to be able to make it to both shows in the first place. This created a problem as we came down to the concert with no idea
as to where we would sleep. In typical Phil fashion many an adventure would soon follow.
Tina and I first decided that we would save money and be hard core by sleeping in our cars for the night. With
that decision made we went to find food at a place called, "The Funway Cafe." As we walked in we discovered that it was a
bar/lounge. Tina suggested we go to the bar and have an appetizer and some drinks. It also happened that it was some kind
of Friday night party sponsored by the radio station Jam'n 94.5. The dance floor was very attractive as it was surrounded
by wall mounted flat screen t.v.'s and one giant screen. All of which were playing music videos while re-mixes were played
by the D.J. Tina and I resisted our inner party people (even though Tina was caught drinking a Coors Light and got a free
t-shirt and flashing pin.) and left to go sleep in our cars.
Most of Foxboro has signs saying, "No Parking during stadium events." We figured the concert was over so we should
be fine sleeping in the big spacious parking lot of The Funway Cafe. Tina had also suggested that we both make use of the
back of her station wagon as it would allow the two of us to sleep comfortably without waking up with broken backs. So I grabbed
my alarm clock and joined her in the back of her wagon. As we were preparing for sleep though a group of people way across
the parking lot saw us and of course came to the conclusion that we were going to have sex. As an employee drove up next to
us Tina informed him that we were just friends and would not be having sex. We were told that we should probably move our
cars so that they would not be towed.
I figured that the Holiday Inn Express down the road (which was sold out) would be a good place to park and sleep
without causing a ruckus. However, my "unusual" luck kicked in and we found ourselves parking next to a jeep with a trailer
attached. We got a few hours of sleep before we heard the sounds of people talking and Tina suggested we get up since she
thought she overheard someone say they saw us sleeping in her car and were getting hotel management. As we got out of the
car we noticed another group of people had pulled up behind the trailer we were next to. It just so happened that these kids
were from NY and in the same situation we were. Meanwhile, the jeep attached to the trailer was now occuppied by two guys
and two gals who had paid for a hotel room but decided it was more comfortable to sleep in the jeep. Did I mention that they
had been drinking? Within a few minutes the police arrived. Not just the local Foxboro Police but the MA State Police who
surrounded us with three or four cruisers.
Now Tina and I were not that worried since we are both of age to be drinking and were in no way drunk, on drugs,
or providing alcohol to minors. Neither were the NY kids. However, the guy from the jeep had been drinking. A fact which he
did not hide as he walked up to the first officer with his rum and coke in hand. The officer asked him, "What are you drinking?"
And the kid responded, "You've got a funny accent."
It was at this point that Tina, myself, and the NY kids let out a collective, "Oh shit." Of course the officer
was less than happy about being made fun of. Quickly Tina and the NY kids began to establish that we were in no way associated
with the kids in the jeep and were just looking for a place to sleep because we were all too tired to drive. Although the
officers seemed to believe us they still asked questions like whether we had been drinking, had alcohol in our cars, and if
we were all together. One of the officers asked me how old I was. For some reason I always want to say 21. So being the genius
I am I hesitated and said, "Uhhhh, I'll be 23 in September?" To which he gave me a weird look. Then he asked me if there was
any alcohol in my car to which I responded, "No." Finally, he asked me as to what was in my back pack in the front seat. I
said, "Two books on chess and my MP3 player." He once more gave me a weird look only this time it seemed to be more of a,
"What a loser" kind of expression.
Suddenly things got more interesting as I heard Tina remark, "Is that girl naked?" It seems that the two guys were
enjoying the company of two girls who were from Canada and spoke only French which made questioning by the police difficult.
Also, one of the girls who was in the back of the jeep happened to be naked and was using a blanket to cover herself while
the other male (who was topless) helped his friend (the drunk one) deal with the cops.
The cops were getting angry at the Jeep kids but luckily one of them was cool and told us where to find a rest
stop to stay at for the night. The other cops said we were cool to leave (me and Tina and the NY kids) but warned us to lock
our doors at the rest stop for our own safety.
Unfortunately, the directions he gave were a little hard to follow and after nearly an hour trying to find the
place (in which time Tina and I lost the NY kids who were following us) we got there and discovered that the building was
locked. So we ended the night the only way we knew how. By peeing on the building and going to bed in Tina's wagon dreaming
of scary people trying to enter unlocked cars.
TITLE: Jeremy gets knocked out
TIME STORY TAKES PLACE: Roughly around the Spring of '98 (Junior Year of high school)
LOCATION: Springfield, Virginia
CAST OF CHARACTERS: Myself, Scott, Jared, Tan, and Jeremy
ALCOHOL CONSUMED: Not a drop
DRUNK-O-METER: Not applicable
WHAT WENT DOWN: Back when I used to live in good old VA I had a misfit crew of friends
that I rolled with. Scott was the crazy one of unknown asian origin, Jared was the creepy and tall white kid with a ponytail
(and the only car/truck in our group), Tan was the incredibly smart Vietnamese one who had a PS2 before it came out (both
Japanese and American models), and I was the nerdy ring leader of the group with facial hair.
For the most part we used to do stupid high school tricks. We'd go to the mall where I (being
the oldest) would buy everyone tickets into 'R' rated movies. We would constantly have Goldeneye tournaments on the N64. And
ocasionally we would drive around late at night when the "bad girls" were out and act cool by driving around their neighborhoods
honking and looking for/stalking them.
Ocassionally we would decide to participate in some kind of outdoor activity. It just so happened
that one of these times we were on a basketball streak. It all came about the day a kid in our neighborhood named Jeremy asked
us to play.
Now Jeremy was a kid we went to school with and saw on the bus nearly everyday. He was clearly
overweight, had glasses, and some very ugly teeth. We might have had a little sympathy for the kid accept that he was a bully
who thought he was cool. He would pick on the quiet under classmen on the bus where he sat in the back like an emperor (in
his mind anyway). On top of that he was annoying and thought himself part of our crew.
After some discussion we decided we had nothing better to do (and no one else had a basketball)
so we agreed to play. For a few weeks every now and again after school we would meet Jeremy outside at the neighborhood basketball
court and play. One day though Jeremy and Scott (who hated Jeremy) got into a fight and Jeremy left with the ball.
Having nothing else to do and being on the "McDonald's Diet" back then we went and grabbed
sokme burgers and fries and were driving back to the neighborhood when Scott spotted Jeremy walking back to his house.
Jeremy smiled and thought it funny to attempt to say hello with some kind of profane insult
like he usually did. I say attempted because he never got the chance. Back then Jared had the only
car. A beat up maroon pick up truck. It just so happened that day that Scott and I were in the bed of the pickup.
Scott seeing Jeremy acting all high and mighty reached into his McDonald's bag grabbed a hand
of cold salty french fries and threw them at Jeremy hitting him square in the face as we drove by. I can still hear his lispy
voice yelling, "Scott you Jack-ass!" as we faded in the distance.
Later that week though arrangements were made for us to get McDonalds (which Jared swore would
help you lose weight if that was all you ate) and play basketball with Jeremy once again. This time things went well. No fights.
No french fries to the face (Jeremy claimed they cold salty fries hit him in the eye and were painful. we laughed). And a
bright sunny afternoon.
After we finished playing we all hopped into Jared's truck with our McD's leftovers. Jared
was driving, Tan was in the middle (bitch seat), and I was on the passenger side leaving Scott and Jeremy to ride in the bed.
Scott being the crazy one that he was decided it would be funny to play a joke on us. All I know is that one minute it was
calm and the next I heard the most feminine of screams erupt from Tan. I turned to look and saw Scott's naked ass pressed
against the back window. Suddenly Jared laughed and yelled, "I'll teach him to put ass prints on my window!" There was a stop
sign coming up which we all knew about and instead of slowing down Jared sped up.
Meanwhile, Jeremy sat in the dead center of the truck bed laughing and trying not to spill
his large coke, Scott still had his bare ass against the window, Tan was still screaming like a girl, and I was wondering
why Jared was going so fast. I looked over at him and he shot me a devilish grin as he slammed on the brakes at the stop sign.
Everything went into slow motion. Rubber burned, tires squealed, Tan continued screaming, and I turned back and saw Scott
pull up his pants and bracing himself against the window having seen at the last minute what Jared intended to do. The only
thing that didn't move in slow motion was Jeremy. Sitting in the middle of the truck bed laughing with no idea of what was
about to happen he suddenly came catapulting forward into the window which had only a few seconds ago been home to Scott's
naked ass and slammed face first into it.
Hearing the sudden and loud thud of Jeremy hitting the truck did not stop Jared from driving
to my house where upon arrival I saw a big greasey face print overlapping Scott's ass print on the window. Scott then informed
us that he thought Jeremy was unconcious. This confused Tan, Jared, and myself as Scott told us this through bouts of laughter.
We soon found the reason why. During the entire event Jeremy had maintained a death grip on his coke and even now, while momentarily
unconcious he still had it held perfectly erect. A few seconds later Jeremy arose just fine. When asked why he didn't let
go of the coke to shield his face from kissing glass he replied, "I didn't want to spill my coke."
TITLE: Phil's Naked Lap
TIME STORY TAKES PLACE: December of 2003. Last day of first semester finals. My senior year of college.
The wee hours of the morning.
LOCATION: C Tower. The Gables. UNH.
CAST OF CHARACTERS: Me and Jonah (with guest appearances from: Zarbo, Mike, some other people in room
604, and two of the Durham Police Department's finest).
ALCOHOL CONSUMED: Half a 30 rack of Bud Light, 25% of a bottle of UV Rasberry flavored vodka, more anonymous
beer, and a few other things which escape memory.
DRUNK-O-METER: Super blitzed
WHAT WENT DOWN: It was the last day of first semester finals and nearly everyone had left (or was in
the process of leaving) for home for winter break. My dear friend Jonah and I were two of the only people from our group of
misfits who were still on campus. Jonah being the party animal that he is suggested that we,
"Start drinking at 5 (pm) and see where the night takes us."
After several hours of drinking Bud Lights and playing the, "Simpsons Hit and Run" video game (citizens of Springfield
watch out for Jonah) we made our way upstairs to room 604. It was at 604 that we ran into the familiar faces of Zarbo and
Mike (others were present but I don't have the damndest idea what their names were). Now normally dear reader I am a fairly
above avergae beruit player at best (By no means am I cliose to "Wendell" status.) However, after having had an (at the time)
innumerable amount of beers and other alcohol fueled beverages I was about as skillful as a drunken freshman female playing
for the very first time.
It just so happened that one of the "house rules" for beruit was that if you did not sink at least one cup you
had to do a naked lap. My fine fellow of the beer bottle Jonah was at the pinnacle of his game that night. With fewer and
fewer cups on the table my chances of having to perform a naked lap were increasing at an alarming rate. However, with three
left on the table I sank one! (Which Jonah soon hit thereafter winning us the game.) Naked lap averted! Or so I thought. For
you see dear reader the seed had been planted in my drunken mind. I began to think of other great heroes in history who had
bared it all in the name of glory.
With these thoughts running through my mind Jonah and I went back to his room (the dorm of infamy known as 404).
At this point Mr. Jonah (being quite intoxicated himself) decided to try on the trench coat of his roommate affectionately
named "Sketchy" Bryan. Now that Jonah looked like a pedophile/drug dealer/rapist I told him that it was my duty as a drunk
college student to streak nude around the outer perimeter of C Tower.
After the initial shock wore off Jonah agreed to play witness to this monumental event and together we embarked
down the elevator and outside where I promptly stripped down to nothing but my socks and sneakers and began running through
the snow to the soundtrack of Jonah's drunken laughter.
Now dear reader I assure you that my plan would have gone off without a hitch. It was 3am. Nearly everyone
had gone home for Winter Break (and those who hadn't were passed out and sleeping). It was going to be just been
another one of those typical drunken romps that disappear into the pages of history and are never heard from again. However,
it just so happened that the ordinary suddenly transformed into the extraordinary...
I was rounding the final corner of C Tower and congratulating myself on a streak well done when I noticed the blue
flash that can not be mistaken for anything but the top of a Police vehicle. Instantaneously my instincts of self preservation
kicked in and I vaulted over the nearby brick wall and ran ass flapping in the wind directly into the woods. Once securely
hidden in the shrubbery of the woods embrace I had time to panick. How did they know? The police must have been in the parking
lot watching me the entire time waiting for the moment when I began my streaking misadventures to attempt and apprehend me!
However, it would later be revealed that indeed I had been the cause of my own downfall. For you see dear reader as Mr. Jonah
and I were walking out the front doors of C Tower I stumbled in the dark and placed my hand against the call box to steady
myself. Hearing a voice come through I very mistakenly thought I had dialed a poor fellow's dorm. Making slurred apologies
I pressed the black talk button and terminated the call. Unfortunately as it turns out, I pressed the red emergency button
(also known as the "rape" button) and had been talking to an emergency operator from the Police Department.
Meanwhile, I am sure you are all wondering what had become of my companion Mr. Jonah during my time spent hiding
naked in the woods. It turns out that the moment I took off running nude around the building the Durham Police showed up.
Being the stalwart and loyal companion that he is his first reaction of course was to run back inside the building. However,
the police stopped him before he could make it inside and were very interested to know who had pushed the "rape" button and
why there was a pile of clothes at his feet. Jonah, realizing that his appearance in the sketchy black trench coat made him
seem like the type who would do bad things, decided that it would be best if he were to come clean with the constables and
tell them about my drunken marathon. If memory serves me correctly it went something like this:
Male Officer: Who pushed the button?
Jonah: Uh, I don't know.
Male Officer: Whose clothes are these? (suspicious glare)
Jonah: Okay, I'm going to level with you. My friend is really drunk and he thought it would be a good
idea to run around the building naked.
Both Officers: (silence)
Male Officer: Are you serious?
Female Officer: Do you think that your friend could have made it into one of these buildings?
Jonah: It's possible.
Female Officer: Could he have ran home?
Jonah: I doubt it. He lives on the other side of town.
Female Officer: At least we don't have to worry about going there to look for him. Let's go check those
buildings.
During all of this I was at that very moment still very much in the woods and very much naked. I began to think
of how I could: A. Make it to my apartment or B. Make it back into C Tower and up to Jonah's room. I immeadiatly decided that
since my keys were in my now missing pants that Plan A was out of the question (Especially since the chances of running naked
across town successfully seemed very slim indeed). Plan B however, seemed to have the possibility of a favorable outcome.
Back on Mr. Jonah's end he and the female officer came upon a room in one of the buildings where Jonah knocked
on the door and inquired about my whereabouts.
Jonah: Ummm this is gonna sound really stupid so forget I asked you, but have you seen any naked people
tonight?
Man in room: .....No. No, I haven't.
Female Officer: (having fits of laughter)
Jonah: Okay, thanks anyway.
At this point I had tried several unsuccessful methods of getting back into the building. My next option was to
knock on the window of an occupied room near the front door and ask them kindly to let me in. This solution proved risky
though as there was the chance that they might misunderstand my reasons for being out in front of their window at 3am naked
and think me a sexual predator.
I decided against this idea and went back to my wooded sanctuary. Could I stay in the woods over night and wait
for Jonah to get me later? I strongly leaned to this option until I realized that a drunken naked student in the woods during
the Winter season could be cause for a search party, media coverage, and my nether regions on the front page of the TNH (The
New Hampshire. The University of New Hampshire paper). I decided that it was best to turn myself in so long as I could get
some pants in return for my surrender.
As I waited in the shadows of the wall to be discovered the male officer approached down the walk way to C Tower.
In his squad car. With the big bright spotlight turned in my direction. Here now dear reader is the conversation that resulted.
Male Officer: Pretty cold tonight?
Me: What?
Male Officer: Where are your clothes?
Me: I don't know. How'd I get out here?
Jonah: (Approaching from other direction with my clothes) Here they are.
Male Officer: Get dressed. Ya know we've arrested people naked before.
Me: (Trying to put my pants on over my shoes and falling in the snow)Oh no. I just need some pants man.
Where am I? How'd I get outside?
Male Officer: Did you have a lot to drink tonight?
Me: I was drinking earlier.
Female Officer: (enters from other direction) Is he dressed yet?
Male Officer: Yeah, he's dressed.
Female Officer: Thank God. Where was he hiding?
Male Officer: Right near this wall here.
Female Officer: But I checked here!
Me: I dunno. I'm inside and then I'm outside.
Both Officers: ......
Male Officer: Wait here while we run your I.D. (Both Officers exit)
Jonah: Phil, are you really that drunk? You don't remember coming out here?
Me: No, I'm just faking. Go with it.
Jonah: Okay. (Officers return)
Male Officer: We're releasing you to your friend's custody for the night. Don't do this again.
Me: Thanks officers. I just want to get warm is all. And I got my pants.
Female Officer: Wait!
Me: Yes?
Female Officer: Is that your underwear on the side walk?
Me: Oops.
Male Officer: Get out of here.
Soon after this dear reader Mr. Jonah was on the phone to as many people as he could contact at 4am and relating
the entire incident to them with much laughter and glee. I on the other hand was drinking vast quantities of water and tending
to my various cuts from running through the woods while thanking the powers that be that I did not pierce any part of my love
organ. The next morning I made Jonah delete the only picture in existence of my naked glory running around the building.
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